Future

    Now that my first year in collage is almost over, me and my sister have been talking a lot about my future.  Right now my carrier choice is a psychiatrist and especially for the young people. I think that teens my age and younger have bad psychical health. I think the psychiatrists these days, especially in schools don't understand teens or what they need. They just sit face-to-face with each other in a white, distressing room and the school psychiatrist just tries to make the kid talk. They should make them feel safe, understood and comfortable . That's why i think that the psychiatrists should be younger so that they could /might really relate to what the teens are going through with there lives because even if it feel like a little issue to an adult, it can feel very pressuring for the teen.  Very little things can feel major to us young people.

 So there's a little inside of my future and my '' right now '' carrier choice. I'm really nervous. It's the last week of school and i start my work next Monday. Outdoor working from 6am to 4pm except for Fridays i get of at 2pm. This shit for six weeks... I know i should be grateful for even getting a summer job but i'd just like a little bit of vacation in between of school and work. Well life is life and next year i'll be 18 so i can get even more / better job opportunity's.

Didn't go as planned

    So as the title says - everything didn't go as i planned it. I screwed up. He got scared ( i hope ). I pushed too far. Most of his friends started to put pressure on him so he told one of our class mates that he likes me just as a friend for now -  i don't know if my friend was sugar coating me  but his version was that he said that he wasn't ready yet. I mean it hurts even more because everyone around me was so sure that he liked me. - So as you can imagine that i was a bit devastated for the whole weekend and the first week. It wasn't just the fact that he didn't like me but the thing that i fear the most did happen. He ignored me for the first week. Barely spoke to me the first week and if he did he wouldn't look me in the eyes. It literally broke my heart because i didn't want to lose him as friend.I cried in school, i cried at night and i was just so sad. I felt like it was my fault.

     Now it has been for like two weeks i think. One of my best friends suggested that i just give him time. So i gave him time. I tried time from time to talk with him but it wasn't going anywhere so i just decided to wait for him.  And yesterday he talked to me for the first time like for real. He looked me in the eyes and smiled and spoke to me!  I was supper happy. And today he spoke to me even more. I know i'm like getting hyped for such a little thing but honestly i'm just hyped if i can get him back even as a friend. I'm just gonna take it easy from now on and hope that he come through to me. 

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Right school. I have like two weeks left until the summer vacation. Until my work starts. I have so many essays to write and school work is just piling up. I'm super stressed ( when wouldn't i be? ). I actually should be studying right now but what am i doing? Writing about my non existing problems. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow. 

Don't give up

It's been hard couple of weeks. I stress ( as usual ) about the future. Our last period of this semester just started and next autumn i'll be on second year. Once again closer to my final exams. I know i'm stressing out over nothing right now. My final exams will be in the third or fourth year. I always stress to much
  One other reason why these past weeks have been hard on me are because of a boy. I thought we had something. Always when i talked with him he would stair straight into my eyes and he just felt different. I'm too shy to tell him how  i feel and i'm afraid that if he doesn't feel the same way i'll lose him as a friends. And as selfish as this sounds - i'm scared that i'll get hurt again.   So i was thinking that i should just let it go. Let him go. And then on Monday evening i got a message from my friend saying she was talking with my crush and found out that he likes someone. Someone from our class. I was thrilled but also quite scared because my first thought was that what if it's someone else from our class. I was so scared that night. But the next day changed almost everything. He started talking to me. More than usual - we talked for the whole fee period we had! Nothing important. Movies, games and pokemon. Yep pokemon! But it was nice. And my friend thinks that this is he making a move on me because when she talked with him she said that he should do something, make a move, start something. So i hope that this is it then. So all i can say is don't give up too easily like i have done many times. But not this time.
  This sounds more like a real passionate romance story doesn't it? Sorry got carried away there. But i am really exited about this. Hopefully everything ill be okay.

Test week.

This week just started and i'm already so done with everything. Yesterday we had English test and today was our Swedish test. And they just keep coming. Tomorrow is our biology test, Thursday we have religion and Finnish exam and Friday is math. It' would be nothing but two tests on the same day! Jesus and i can just feel that tomorrows biology's test will go to the woods. I don't know anything and i have been paying attention in class but we are studying something about DNA and RNA, photosynthesis, cells and what are inside of them i mean what the hell?! I'm trying to understand everything but i just can't. It's just something that doesn't stuck in my head. And i have another book report that is to do on Thursday. I still have over 200 pages left to read. Love high school or collage what ever this school is. It's always so hard for me to tell about my school because i live in Finland and the school system goes a bit differently here the for an example the UK. Well what ever. I should be studying and here i'm, writing to my blog and listening to Troye Sivan. Shit. 

 Up date on my crush: On Sunday i went out with him and a couple of friends. It was nice but today i got really jealous. It felt weird. I always thought that we had '' something '' because he always looked me in the eyes when we talked and blaa blaa but today he was talking to one of my class girls and i felt like there was nothing different about how he talked to her and how he talks to me. And this is what i have been afraid of all the time. That all of this is just in my head. And i really don't know that to do i mean if this IS all just in my head then shouldn't i just drop it. Forget the feelings an remain as friends with him? I don't want that to be honest but i don't want us to not be friends. I know i'm very difficult with this manner and everybody says that '' go talk to him '' , '' what can you lose from it? '' , '' just tell him how you feel '' . It's not that easy to me because i'm really scared that if he doesn't feel the same way about me then we will no longer be friends. I have been rejected so many time i don't feel that confident around boys i like.  Maybe this is just one of those things that you have to get over with. * sigh *

Back to normal

 So now the Erasmus week is over. It was very stressful and i was very tired from it but still it was awesome. Monday and Tuesday we were showing the people our school and town. Wednesday we went to Helsinki and on Tuesday we went sliding down a hill with some sleds and after that we went to a museum and ice skating. On Tuesday evening we had a little get together in our school and our band called Voice Crack preformed in there. After that we had an after party and we had a really good time. On Friday morning the Norther Irish people had to go home because in Helsinki- Vantaa Airport people are striking so there original flight got cancelled. On the same day the Italians and Germans left and today the Spanish and Slovakian people left. I cried when we dropped the Slovakian's to the buss station.  I'm a little bit scared to go to school next week because we haven't been to any normal classes this week so we are so behind on everything. But the one positive thing is that i get to be with my class mates and my crush 😊. Wish me luck!

Eramus week

So today started our Erasmus week. That means that there are coming 25 students from Germany, Slovakia, Northern Ireland, Spain and Italy. They arrived today and i have a Slovakian girl named Marianna. She is actually Hungarian and belongs to the minority in Slovakia. I was and still am really nervous that what am i going to do with her because she is leaving on Saturday and literally there is nothing to do here. Hopefully we will figure something our during the week. It will be interesting to see what will happen.  So for this week we won't be going to any regular classes so i won't spent any time with my friends or my crush. That's pretty sad but it's worth it.
    I FINALLY got the book report done for our Finnish class. It was to do like two week ago 😅 now i'm just waiting for our teacher to review it. We also got to know what grades did we get from the last period. I got 9 from Psychology and 8 from Philosophy. I'm really proud of those two but then i got a 7 from History and 6 from our health class. But it's okay i can't be good at everything.
   I have been sober for three months now and last Friday i got really drunk. We were celebrating our friends birthday. It was really fun but my friends were arguing ( they are in a relationship ) and my friend was crying and i don't know why but i got upset about it and i called my other friend for comfort and i told her not to say anything to anyone because i was drunk. Long story short my friend sent me a text asking me about it and she just wanted to tell me how she felt and i totally understood. From this moment on i promised her that i won't tell stuff forward to anybody. Because i don't want her to lose her trust in me.

Shy

 I have always been shy especially with boys. I'm just super insecure and i'm always afraid that i'll embarrass myself in front of others. But now i have a crush and that crush happens to be on the same class as me. He is super funny and i think that we have a connection. I'm still really scared that it's just in my imagination, u know?  That it's just all in my head because i want the connection to be real. When we talk he always looks straight into my eyes. But i don't know if it's just normal for him to always look into peoples eyes.  All of my friends have been like '' say something to him '' and believe me i want to but i'm afraid that if he doesn't like me that we won't be the same again and i don't want to lose our friend ship. Anyways i came up with a little plan how i can get more information his feeling towards me. We have these dances in our school that when the second grades became the oldest in our school, they have to dance. It's a tradition. So we have to dance next year and i was thinking that i'll ask him to be my partner. Very genius plan! 😈    The hard part is to ask him.

 School is literally tearing me apart. I have still so two books to read (the first one is already late 😅).  The second book is about 400 pages long 😊. Well i'm trying to get them done ASAP. We just had our test week and it went pretty bad but it's okay i think. Those subjects don't matter to me that much. I'm trying to get my ship together for these last months. Then it's summer vacation and relaxing! Well for a little while anyways because summer job. Oh well i get money out of it so it's worth it right?